Monthly Archives: September 2013

Seven years ago today, at 8:04 AM ICT, this most incredible kid was born. It’s hard to believe how quickly he’s grown from a teeny-tiny baby to the brilliant, hilarious, and compassionate boy that he is today. I count my blessings and I am amazed every single day that I have the great privilege of being his dad, and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

To the best son that two fathers could ever dream of calling our own, Happy Birthday, B!

Five Ingredient Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo

It’s super-easy to make and only requires five ingredients!

  • Ingredient one: cooked fettuccine noodles. You can use gluten-free noodles, but tonight I used De Cecco fettuccine. Obvs I would never use Barilla pasta because they hate the gays and think women should be subservient to men.
  • Ingredient two: poached chicken. I used sliced chicken breast, poached low and slow in some butter and olive oil. 
  • Ingredient three: shiitake mushrooms. I usually use oyster mushrooms, but shiitakes are a good substitute. I suppose you could use cremini mushrooms. In a pinch, I guess regular white button mushrooms are OK. Sauté the mushrooms in olive oil with some minced garlic.
  • Ingredient four: heavy cream. In a bit of olive oil and butter, I sautéed some more minced garlic, then added about a pint of heavy cream.
  • Ingredient five: grated parmesan cheese. Once the cream barely starts to bubble, add about a cup of grated parmesan cheese and whisk until incorporated and thick.
  • Toss the cooked fettuccine, poached chicken, and sautéed mushrooms in the cream sauce and heat through, then salt and pepper to taste.

Voilà! Top with a little bit of grated parmesan cheese and cracked black pepper. You can add a pinch of cayenne to the cream sauce, if you’re into that kind of thing. So easy, amirite?

There was an “art” and “music” festival in town today, so we decided to take a quik-e stroll for a look-see. I use the terms “art” and “music” generously, as most of the “art” on display was of the LeRoy Neiman “hotel art” variety and the “music” being performed was of the Brooklyn-refugee-emo-cover-band variety. But no matter. It’s nice that our town does this kind of shizz, if only to support local “artists” and “musicians.”

In addition to all of the “art” and “music,” local vendors also provided “food.” And by food, I mean shizz like hot dogs and cotton candy. The local Guurrl Scout troop ran the cotton candy stand, but their customer service left much to be desired.

When I asked the bespectacled Guurrl Scout trooper for one cotton candy for the boy, her eyes rolled so far back into her head that I thought she might be having a seizure. Turns out she was just an unfriendly betch. Obvs that Guurrl Scout trooper was much more interested in keeping up with her One Direction Instagram account on her iPhone than providing anything resembling good customer service. Whatevs.

After lunch, we had our lunch dessert at the Red Mango in Uppityville. Lazy uncle and chillaxed Dan tagged along for the ride-slash-for some fro-yo, obvs. The joint was buzzing with Uppityville patrons, on account of the fact that it was kinda sorta hot in the suburbs today, so apparently everyone thought it would be a good idea to get something refreshing.

Unfortunately, Uppityville patrons were super-loud and totes obnoxious, holding up the line because Uppityville Peeps Are Entitled to Take as Much Time and Space as Possible Since They Are Very Important, at least in their own minds. Like, no one cares that your brat kid didn’t get to try all 12 flavors of fro-yo. Just make a goddamn decision and buy some fro-yo and get on with it already, sheesh.

Meanwhile, the boy got a teeny-tiny portion of peach fro-yo and cake batter fro-yo. As per usual, he had two bites and then called it a day.

The boy’s birthday is tomorrow, so busy daddy ordered some Minecraft-themed cupcakes for the boy’s classmates from the local bakery. I think the cupcakes turned out pretty good. The local bakery does nice work and the eats are yum, but TBH I don’t really like the peeps who work there. They often are inattentive and rude, which is weird to me because the joint is, like, the only bakery in town so you’d think they’d try harder and stuff.

Busy daddy thinks the service has gotten better, but I still think the cupcake jockeys who work there act like a bunch of hoity-toity, apathetic jerks. Plus, even though the boy’s classroom party isn’t until tomorrow, I had to pick up the cupcakes this morning because the place is closed on Mondays. Like, what kind of business is closed on Monday? Especially considering the place closes at, like, 1:00 PM on Sunday? Maybe the bakery just doesn’t give a shizz about customers or customer service?

Did I mention that the cupcakes look pretty good? I guess there’s that.

Since we were in the city, we met up with lazy uncle and chillaxed Dan and got some yum Szechuan eats for lunch.

I kinda sorta feel like I’m coming down with a cold or something, so stuffing some spicy eats into my facehole seems to have cleared up my head a bit. That or I was just hungry and stuff. Whichever.

The boy’s friend Quinn’s dad directed an adorbz stage adaptation of Molly Shannon’s adorbz children’s book, so we went into the city to watch a matinee of the show. I worry sometimes that the boy isn’t going to sit still or behave during a live performance, but he was totes enraptured.

The boy’s favorite characters were Tilly, played to hi-larious perfection by a fellow NU alum, and Peppermint the Dog, played to haughty English perfection by some guy who makes things smell and stuff.

If you’re in New York City and have a kid (or you’re a kid at heart), the management at Lazy Dad’s Guide highly recommends the show!!! It runs through October 13!!!