Monthly Archives: December 2012

Later in the afternoon, I said to the boy, Hey, let’s make a New Year’s Resolutions video! And the boy said, “NOOOO!!! That sounds horrible!!!” And I said, Come on, it’ll just take a few minutes and then you can go back to playing Minecraft. And the boy said, “But, dad, you’re sick!!!” And I said, I might be sick, but I’m still sickening, yo! And the boy said, “Making a video is sickening!!!” Then I said, And what’s your point?

After a bit of bribery cajoling, the boy relented to doing a quik-e video. The boy insisted that I tell everypony that he did the video under duress. Gosh, it was so much easier last year.

Happy New Year, everypony!

One of the reasons why I prefer MSNBC over other “news” channels is that MSNBC lets its “news” anchors use terms like “guurrl” and “hot tranny mess” and “oh snap” and “I just be winging things” when covering “news” items like the do-nothing government allowing the country to go over the fiscal cliff.

It’s the last day of the year, so I figured I’d get in a quik-e workout at the gym before I spent the evening bingeing on treats crying in my glass of lukewarm water hanging out at home and going to bed at a reasonable hour. Turns out everypony in Uppityville had the exact same idea because the gym was a cluster fudge of Uppityville yoga mamas, their douchebag Wall Streeter husbands, and their obnoxious brats children.

But no matter. I had an awight workout this afternoon, mostly because I’m finally starting to feel much better, thankyouverymuch. One of the unexpected side benefits of this sinus infection-slash-brochitis-slash-flu thingamabob that I’ve had for the past few weeks is that I’ve totes been losing weight. Ordinarily I’d be all, Whatevs, but ever since my doctor called me a fat pig nicely suggested that I might want to lose a few pounds, I’ve been more conscientious about what I’m putting into my face hole.

Plus, the meds I’m taking have resulted in a near complete loss of appetite and uncontrollable diarrhea. I’m kidding! I’ve been eating like the world is about to end and I’ve always had uncontrollable diarrhea. In fact, I’m pooping my pants, like, right now, so whatevs. At least I’m starting to get back to my fighting-slash-teen model weight. #winning #bestdietever

Sunday Dinner at the Designing-Business Chateau Recap

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Busy daddy and I joined the boy at the Designing-Business Chateau for Sunday dinner. Most of the grownups had red wine and prosecco and chatted, while I had chamomile tea and sulked in a corner by myself because I’m sick and stuff.

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The boys played Minecraft on their iPads. Apparently the boy was feeling camera shy.

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Designing daddy prepared an amazing dinner, including roasted chicken, meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, and veggie stir fry. For dessert, we had yum brownies, chocolates, and other treats from designing daddy’s Hawaiian auntie.

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Busy daddy set up Eddie K on the boy’s Minecraft server, so after dinner the boys played  Minecraft on their computers. Did I mention that the boys played Minecraft?

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When the kids were settled, the grownups retired to the sitting room and drank some more red wine and prosecco, while I sulked in a corner by myself because I’m sick and stuff.

We had fun!

Hey Lazy Dad! You strike me as a sensitive guy who loves music (I mean, you always have ear buds in and all). I made a “Sad Songs” playlist and I want to know what songs you would add. What tugs at your heart? Tito, hand me a tissue.

Hi Janet! I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but I’m about as sensitive as a teenaged girl who has to make my own prom dress (from not one but two vintage frocks) and then drive alone to this all-important coming-of-age fête in my totes awesome busted-up pink Karmann Ghia.

Here’s a confession: I, too, have my own “Sad Songs” playlist! Virtual high-five! Here are the songs that are on heavy rotation when I have the sad feels:

  • Beth Orton and Terry Caller: Pass in Time
  • Clock Opera: Belongings
  • The Beautiful South: Let Love Speak Up Itself
  • The Commons: Just Before Morning
  • Duncan Sheik: Sad Stephan’s Song
  • The Eels: Spunky
  • Joe Henry: Fuse
  • Josh Rouse: My Love Has Gone
  • Lloyd Cole: Half of Everything
  • Rickie Lee Jones: Stewart’s Coat
  • The Tallest Man on Earth: Love Is All
  • The The: August & September
  • ‘Til Tuesday: Coming Up Close
  • The Twilight Singers: Twilight
  • Whiskeytown: Pawn Shop Ain’t No Place for a Wedding Ring

I may or may not have shed a tear (or a dozen) listening to these tune, while I’m sitting at my sewing machine or writing in my diary, all the while cursing the name Blane McDonnagh! Who names a boy Blane, for cripes sake!!! And why won’t he give me the time of day, sheesh!!!

The Busy-Lazy boys ended up having a late lunch at the local Mexican joint (which the boy surprisingly recommended, despite the fact that he hates really dislikes Mexican food), and then we dropped off the boy at the Designing-Business Chateau so that he could have a playdate with Eddie K while busy daddy and I ran errands.

A few observations:

  • One of the most confusing places on planet Earth must be Target the day before New Year’s Eve. Everypony seems to be wandering aimlessly around the aisles, uncertain if they should buy the Christmas crap that’s marked down 70 percent or buy the Valentine’s Day shizz that has already started to show up on the shelves.
  • One of the saddest jobs on planet Earth must be Target cashier. Everypony is rude to you and your only recourse is to be rude back, even to the peeps who are actually nice. Protip to the douchebag cashier at Target: I’m one of the nice ponies, jerk. Don’t blame me that the rude, clueless customer ahead of me was, like, a bajillion years old and took a full 20 minutes to find her wallet, and then threw you all kinds of shade when you asked her if she “needed more time.” I would’ve bitchslapped her, too, but no need to take out your frustrations on me, yo. 
  • One of the most dangerous places on planet Earth must be the parking lot at Whole Foods, especially when it’s nearly empty and there are a bunch of ladies from Uppityville trying to park their ginormous cars. As busy daddy and I were walking away from our car, I spied an overly made-up, possibly drunk Lady From Uppityville pulling up next to the Busy-Lazy mobile, thisclose to hitting it. I knocked on her window and said to Lady Miss Botox, Hey, you’re about to hit my car! And Lady Miss Botox huffed back at me, “I usually make my adjustments after!!!” And I was all, Do you make your adjustments after you hit my car or after you hit my car, you imbecile!?! And she was all, “Whatevs.” Meanwhile, when we got back to our car, I saw that Lady Miss Botox left a generous seven inches between her car (on the right) and my car (on the left), even though there were three empty spots to her left. So I wrote her a note* and left it on her windshield: 

Dear Lady Miss Botox, thank you for making your “adjustments” and not hitting my car. However, most ponies don’t subsist on a diet of Red Bull, black coffee and cigarettes, like you obviously do, so the amount of space you left between our cars left virtually no room for me to get into my car. Therefore, I had to slash your tires and key the entire right side of your car just to get into mine. No worries, I usually make my adjustments after, too, so we’re square. Love and kisses, lazy dad.

* Regarding slashing the tires and keying Lady Miss Botox’s car, I’m kidding! I didn’t leave her a note, obvs. I might be crazy, but I’m not insane, sheesh.

Even though I had a horrible night’s sleep (if waking up every 20 minutes to cough out bits and pieces of my lungs can be characterized as “sleeping”), I actually woke up this morning feeling 38 percent better than I did yesterday! #winning

Since I’m starting to feel reasonably human again, I did what anypony in my situation would do: I spent the morning deep cleaning the kitchen and downstairs bathroom, did a few loads of laundry, and organized the boy’s room a bit.

After I finally got my act together and got cleaned up and ready for the day, the boy asked if I could make a video of him playing Minecraft. I asked him what he was going to do in the video, and he said, “Play Minecraft.” And I said, But what are you going to do besides play Minecraft? And the boy said, “I dunno, just play Minecraft?”

OK, I’m no Martin Scorsese, but I’m pretty sure that a video of the boy playing Minecraft would be about as compelling as watching paint dry. I told the boy, I think you need to do something else besides just play Minecraft. Maybe you can provide some tips? And the boy said, “No, dad, really, it will be fun! Trust me!”

So we did a quik-e screencapture test. Of the boy playing Minecraft. It will blow your mind. Or not. I think probably not. 

What should we have for lunch today?

Even though I’m ostensibly at Death’s Door, no mere illness is gonna keep me from my performing my parental duties, yo. That means cooking for my family, otherwise they’ll starve … or end up eating chips and salsa all day long.

Since busy daddy was at yoga this morning, I made pizza for lunch for the boy and me. And by made pizza, I mean I turned on the oven and popped in a freshly prepared pizza from Whole Foods. Have you ever had them? They are really good, highly recommended. The boy said it was one of the best pizzas he’s ever had! High praise from a self-proclaimed pizza connoisseur who usually insists on truffle oil on his pizzas.

I spent most of my afternoon moaning in bed watching Dog Eat Dog on The Game Show Network, but soon enough it was time for dinner. I made spicy pork bulgogi with sautéed broccoli and rice. It’s super-easy to make, and takes mere minutes.

Here’s the recipe for spicy pork bulgogi:

  • Marinate about a pound and a half of very thinly sliced pork shoulder (or pork loin, if you prefer) in half a cup of rice wine (sake or mirin) and about a teaspoon of sugar, for about two hours.
  • 20 minutes before you’re ready to cook your pork, add about a cup of spicy Korean BBQ sauce to the pork and mix well (you can also use sweet Korean BBQ sauce, I like Assi Brand).
  • Carmelize one whole sliced thinly onion, in a bit of oil. When the onions are wilted and slightly browned, remove them from the pan. 
  • Add a bit more oil, then sauté the marinated pork until it’s nearly cooked through, then add back the cooked onions, and cook everything is incorporated.
  • Voilà! So easy that even an invalid like me can cook it and still have time to crawl back into bed to wallow in my cough-y, achy despair, yo!

Amazingly, the boy and I made it to the gym before the major snowstorm started, so I call the rest of the day a win! Since my former trainer Chris G moved on to greener pastures, I’ve been aimlessly moping around the gym working out with busy daddy’s trainer, a.k.a. Fake Chris.

Here’s the thing: Fake Chris is amazing. He’s like a super-enthusiastic trainer and stuff. And he makes me, you know, work out hard, even though I’m basically an invalid right now. But it’s a good workout and I felt like I got shizz done, yo.

One of the things Fake Chris has me do toward the end of the workout is some Greco-Roman wrestling. Have you done that shizz before? It’s hard. Like, I don’t think I have the wherewithal to take down a massive trainer, despite my mad wrestling skillz. And by mad wrestling skillz, I mean I can barely maintain my balance, which I can’t normally do in real life anyway. Whatevs.

I may or may not have learned today that Greco-Roman wrestling and nipple rings don’t mix well. I’m just sayin’. 

Also, don’t hate on my ashy, chicken calves. I swear it’s just the weirdo angle of the pic! Jealous much?