So busy daddy said to me, “What’s with all of the sexpot photos of yourself on your blog?” And I’m like, What are you talking about? And he’s like, “You know what I’m talking about. The ones that show your tattoos, and you’re wearing shirts that are two sizes too small, and you’re looking into the camera like, ‘oh, look at me!’ That’s what I’m talking about.”

And I’m like, First, don’t hate the playa, hate the game. Second, don’t be all jealous of the ink because the ink is fierce. Third, my shirts are two sizes too small because of being fat and all. Fourth, I’m looking into the camera only sometimes because of the lazy eye. Fifth, whatevs.

Just to keep things fo’ realz, yo, here’s what I really look like. At least what I looked like when the boy was a wee little baby and I pretty much ate everything in sight. Actually, let me rephrase that: when I started eating everything in sight and haven’t stopped eating since.

I miss fat, floppy-haired lazy dad. Stupid gym membership.

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