Just in case parents didn’t have enough to worry about, this morning’s “news” had a 10 minute segment about the dangers of eating rice. The lead-in question was, “Can eating rice harm your unborn baby?” The “news” channel’s resident medical expert said rice contains trace amounts of arsenic, so yes, eating rice will harm your unborn baby.

Turns out the American farming industry has been adding arsenic to soil for years, and because rice grows in water-soaked fields, rice grains soak up all of the arsenic-y poison from ground soil. There’s apparently lots of arsenic in apples, too, so stop eating apples!

A new “study” found that women who ate half a cup of rice daily showed traces of arsenic in their urine, while women who didn’t eat rice at all showed no traces of arsenic. And a perfect syllogism can only lead to a perfectly sound “scientific” proof! What the “study” didn’t include was the fact that the rice-eating women were also being poisoned by their husbands/partners/co-workers/best friends for the insurance money.

When asked how much rice a person would need to consume daily to be harmed by the trace levels of arsenic, the medical expert conceded that you’d have to eat “gallons and gallons” of rice every single day. But there’s arsenic in rice! (And apples and lots of other produce farmed in America.) But it’s the rice that’s going to harm your unborn child! So the professional recommendation is to eat rice at your own risk! And by risk, they mean eating rice will kill you.

Plus, there’s radiation in rice because rice is sort of Japanese and we all know what happened in Japan! Nevermind that the “news” was talking about American-farmed rice! And Chinkies are the only idiots who eat “gallons and gallons” of rice daily, so Chinkies are like canaries in the coalmine warning normal people about the perils of rice consumption! Stop eating rice or your kids will die or turn into Chinkies or both! And if you insist on eating rice, for Christ’s sake, eat organic rice because it (supposedly) has less arsenic!

Idiots.

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