Asking the hard question that no one apparently wants to ask, an investigative reporter on this morning’s “news” looked into the troubling trend of children eating in restaurants. This “news” program asked the critically important question of our day, “Do children belong in restaurants?” The response was an overwhelming, Meh?

Turns out, people don’t like to eat in restaurants when kids are present because kids are a) loud, b) messy, c) spoil the romantic ambiance at the Olive Garden, d) poop too much.

The solution? Parents should be forbidden by law to take their kids to restaurants because it disturbs the precious “me” time of childless dining patrons. Better yet, parents who want to go out to eat should let their kids starve (because fat kids are too loud and hurt people’s eyes). Even better, restaurants should start cordoning off sections for families with kids, away from eaters without kids. And just in case, there should be a color-coded system at restaurants that separates diners by race, sexual orientation, level of attractiveness and education. So that people will be “comfortable” when they are eating out.

How dare parents think that we have the right to take our children to eat with us at restaurants? Everyone knows that children should be seen and not heard. Or maybe they shouldn’t be seen at all and allowed to starve, while fancy people dine in peace.


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