People are always asking me how I maintain my girlish figure on a mostly ice cream and cake diet. By people, I mean no one. And by girlish figure, I mean the whippet-thin 32-inch waist on my a 4’11” frame*. Here’s my ancient Chinese secret: bulimia.

I’m kidding! I can barely vomit when I actually have to vomit. I can’t imagine making myself vomit on purpose. Here’s the trick: no gluten, consuming as few carbs as possible (and only eating “good” carbs), lots of vegetables, and mostly protein. Plus, at least half a pint of ice cream daily (preferably full-fat gelato) and at least three or four gluten-free cupcakes a week (ideally chocolate with frosting). Then, exercise like a maniac at least four times a week. Sleep at least 8 hours nightly. Stop drinking alcohol and/or smoking anything. And lastly, ignore all of the above and call your parents and thank them or blame them for whatever genetic legacy they have passed down to you.

Easy peasy.

* OK, I’m not really 4’11”, but it’s not as funny if I say 32-inch waist on a 5’6” frame, which let’s face it, is the same as a 42-inch waist on a normal-sized man, amirite or amirite?

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