Thank the Chinky gods that I drew the basket of mystery ingredients for the Busy Family All-Star Chopped Thanksgiving Challenge that included pork & sage sausage, cornbread, bread crumbs, chicken stock, parsley, celery, onions, butter, apples, and Twizzlers. Because obviously I could make stuffing with those mystery ingredients. The Twizzlers I’ll just use as a splash-of-color garnish afterward.

I know that kitchen shrew Alex Guarnaschelli is going to ding me for not fully incorporating the Twizzlers into my dish. She’ll say, “You should have cooked them down into a simple syrup and made a red stuffing, but you didn’t, did you!?!”

Then I’ll hem and haw, and try to explain that Twizzlers are a retarded ingredient to include in a challenge, but Miss Guarnaschelli will just stare blankly at me, as she is wont to do. Meanwhile Aaron Sanchez will compliment me on my presentation, but complain that I didn’t season the stuffing well enough. “Don’t be afraid of salt,” he’ll say. I’ll be OK with Aaron’s comments because he’s actually really nice, but during my confessional interview I’ll go into a rage as I stick a hundred rusty needles into my Alex Guarnaschelli voodoo doll. The bitch is just mean sometimes.

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