The other day at the fabric store, busy daddy said to me, “We should totally start making our own clothes!” And by “we,” busy daddy probably meant “me,” lazy dad, since I’m the one with the mad sewing skills.

Here’s the thing: if I spent my entire day eating bonbons and watching Maury Povich and my stories on the Soap Opera Network, then, hell yeah, I’d make clothes or whatever until my fingers bled. But since I have a full-time job and a full-time kid, the idea of sewing stuff after work makes me want to jump out of the window of my fifth floor office, hop onto the uptown train, walk to the George Washington Bridge, jump off the George Washington Bridge, swim down the Hudson River to Hoboken, take the New Jersey Transit train, walk up the hill to my house, stick my head in the oven (after turning off the pilot light), and committing seppuku with a butter knife.

The last thing I want to do after a long day in the office is sit in front of a sewing machine. But since busy daddy is taking the boy’s Ultimate TV-Turnoff pledge pretty seriously, I came home to a house with not a single TV on, busy daddy cooking dinner, and the boy playing with some real toys (instead of staring at an electronic screen). Because it was kind of boring to sit around with my silent family, I decided to take a stab working on the boy’s Halloween costume.

I figure that if I spend an hour or so a day working on the costume, I should be done in time for Halloween. And if all else fails, I’ll still have time to run to the local CVS and buy a plastic Batman mask for the boy.

Can I say that whoever writes instructions for sewing patterns is an imbecile? I dislike following instructions as much as the next anarchist, but Jesus H. Christ, the instructions for sewing are written by someone who clearly only made it through the fifth grade. And who’s the design genius who made the illustrations? Because girlfriend needs to take a crash course on creating comprehensible infographics. I recommend this one.

Despite my frustrations, I’m almost done with the Ninja coat, and then I need to hem the pants and make the belt. Once all of the pattern crap is over and done with, I can actually get to the real business of making the costume, i.e., adding the flair that will transform the thing from mere McCall’s karategi-slash-doctor’s scrubs kids’ costume to LEGO Ninjago Kai costume! Trust me, the thing is going to be crazy stoopid awesome when I’m done.

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