At the gym tonight, my trainer Chris G was giving me the evil eye the entire time, even though he was training someone else, sheesh. My guess is that he thinks I’ve been shit talking about him on Lazy Dad’s Guide, but really I’m just keeping it real, yo. I wanted to quote quintessential America philosopher RuPaul Charles to him and say, “Don’t be jealous of my boogie,” but before I could say anything in my own defense, Chris G disappeared into the crowd.

When I’m on the treadmill, I watch two things: CNN and the infomercial for the InStyler Amazing Rotating Iron Styling Tool. I don’t have long luscious locks (at least not anymore, sad face), but if I did, I would totally buy one of these things. Have you seen this informercial? Seriously, it’s the Best Thing on TV, period. I can’t believe that modern science has created a hot iron that straightens, curls and styles faster than I could ever imagine, without damaging my hair! Werd, they had me at “call right now for the special offer!”

On CNN, Anderson Cooper was talking to Alyssa Rodemeyer, sister of Jamey Rodemeyer, the 14-year-old boy who committed suicide after years of bullying. At the homecoming dance, a group of students were shouted down by a group of bullies who taunted Alyssa and her friends, saying they were happy that Jamey was dead. Apparently the teachers did nothing and ran away from the situation, only to come back and say it’s against school policy to bully.

Can I call vigorous bullshit on this? Obviously, I think high school bullies are horrible and should be punished, but worse are the idiot parents and lame-ass faculty who tacitly condone homophobic bullying of any kind. The adults are the ones who are responsible.

There’s a punk-ass kid (not the kid pictured above with the boy, but you get the idea) who likes to taunt my son at the gym, and his douchbag dad basically watches and does nothing while his shit-for-brains kid harasses my son. If I’ve learned anything in life it’s this: assholes are born that way because their parents are assholes, and dress it up anyway you want, if you are born an asshole, you will always be one. The boy started acting out in front of this asshole kid, aping his stupid behavior. For whatever reason, this set me off. The last thing I want my kid to grow up to be like is a douchebag. 

So in the car, busy daddy and I had a conversation with the boy, telling him that it’s really important to us that he grows up to be a good boy, who respects others, and doesn’t respond to idiocy with more idiocy. While I think he understands, I don’t think it’s very satisfying to hear your dad and daddy lecture you about being a good boy when there’s a bad boy harassing you.

What I really wanted to say to my son was this: this boy might think he’s cool or powerful now, but one day he will be shining your shoes (yeah, I went there, whatevs) while you are contributing to society in an honest and positive way. (Actually, there were more cuss words in my original rant, plus more politically incorrect class baiting, but whatevs.)

Did I ever tell you that I was bullied as a kid and the main bully who picked on me now pumps gas for a living? He doesn’t own the gas station, he just pumps the freakin’ gas. Because the high school quarterback grew up to be an obese, alcoholic loser who peaked at age 18. I’m sure his parents are so proud that they spent $100,000 on a private school education to have their golden-boy son grow up to pump gas for faggots.

Hmm… This post didn’t end up in the direction I thought it was going in.

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