Despite appearances, i.e., going to Target et al. every single weekend, I actually don’t care much for shopping. More specifically, I don’t care much for salespeople or cashiers. Even more specifically, I don’t like snooty salespeople at fancy-schmancy clothing stores because they are mean to me. I think it’s probably because these highfalutin salesdrones think that I’m too fat/short/shaped like Charlie Brown to fit in their clothes, or I’m too Chinky to be in the store at all, or I’m dressed too slovenly and therefore a lost cause, or all of the above.

I’ve been trying to look less like a homeless gym teacher and hopefully start dressing more like the corporate executive that I am. (That’s right, bitches, someone pays me to, you know, be executive and stuff.) But I realize that a $12 Merona polo shirt from Target probably isn’t going to cut it anymore.

So this afternoon I went to the mall (sans busy daddy and the boy) and went looking for my new Fall wardrobe. Apparently I have a very popular shoe size because all the stores I went to were sold out in my size. I tried looking for a sweater, but then I realized that sweaters make me look like a homeless math teacher. I did find a couple of shirts, one gray and one white. Now I’ll just look like a homeless maitre d’.

Do you think I can I get a refund on my defective gay fashion gene?

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