If you have a kid, especially one who interacts with other kids, then it’s likely that you’ve already had to deal unexpected bouts of conjunctivitis—aka pink eye—at least once in your kid’s life. When the boy had pink eye last year, his eyes were a gooey, sticky mess, which meant that my eyes were a gooey, sticky mess, too. Apparently, pink eye is very contagious and not usually contracted by sleeping on a pillow that someone farted on, despite what they said in Knocked Up.

Recently, there was a mini-outbreak of pink eye in the row of offices where I work, and I was convinced that I got it. Turns out that a) my terrible allergies just make me prone to having gooey, sticky eyes and b) my eyes are always just really red for no reason at all.

I put some drops in my eyes at work, then dabbed with a napkin. The result was a kind of Rorschach test, a paper mask of my face.

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